{not so joyful Christmas gifts}

We had our annual Christmas party for work last night. We all went bowling! I haven’t bowled in about 5 yrs! I love it, except those flat bowling shoes! I want to bowl in some pumps. Instead of looking like a um-pa loom-pa, I’d look like a sexy runway model! Who do I need to talk to about designing some pink bowling pumps HMMM??? Today I wanted a good laugh, so instead of my “it’s all about” Mary Kay & Scrap booking posts…….here is a list of my favorite “OMG, no you didn’t” Christmas gifts.

I try to pay attention throughout the year when someone mentions  something they like or a guilty pleasure. One year I gave everyone prank gifts (to open before the real ones). My niece really wanted this jacket, so I cut out a picture of the jacket from the magazine and attached it to a hanger, then wrapped it up. My nephew wanted weights so he could look like ‘the rock’, so I got him a pet ‘rock’! I loved seeing their faces when they opened those gifts! We still laugh about it! When it comes to gift giving, it’s the thought that counts…unless you’re thinking about gifting one of the items below.

Unicorn Meat

14 ounces of delicious unicorn meat, canned for your convenience Imported from a small independent cannery in County Meath, Ireland Crunchy horn bits in every bite – an excellent source of Calcium Tastes like rotisserie chicken but with a hint of marshmallow sweetness. Easily spreadable for sandwiches, hors d’oeuvre, and more Sparkly meat lends the unmistakable air of class and sophistication to your parties Unlike other meats, unicorn fat is polyunsaturated and lowers your LDL cholesterol Not yet approved by the USDA or FDA, but the nuns have eaten it for centuries and they’re healthy as horsesThe bottom of the tin is easily removable to gain access to the mini dead unicorn inside. No can opener needed!

Okay, for real: you can’t eat this. It’s a dismembered stuffed unicorn in a can.

Bacon Perfume

Bacon bacōn Classic is designed for men and women.  A common question, does this fragrance really smell like bacon?  The answer is yes & no.  Our Classic formula is a sophisticated spicy maple fragrance with just a hint of bacon and the fun… is in finding it.

This artisanal Classic formula is lovingly crafted with the pure essential oil blend of bergamot, orange, lime, grapefruit, black pepper, cedar wood, vetiver, guaiacwood and two pinches of Bacon salty goodness.  What on earth could you be waiting for?  Available while supplies last.

Wake & Bake Dream Griddle

Know someone whose hobbies include cooking and/or sleeping? Then the Dream Griddle is the perfect gift! With industry-leading features like a convenient Snooze/reheat function and a built-in carbon monoxide detector; it’s easy to see why Wake & Bake is the clear choice.

Three Olives Root Beer Vodka

Root, Root, Root. What can we say? A truly unique flavor… The history of Root beers date back to the 1860’s in Philadelphia where it was prepared from a combination of vanilla, cherry tree bark, licorice root, sarsaparilla root, nutmeg, anise, and molasses. Inspired by this timeless drink, we’ve created our very own Three Olives Root Beer Flavored Vodka which we hope you enjoy! Drink on the rocks, as a shot, or in your favorite martini.

The LifeGem is…

• A certified, high-quality diamond created from a lock of hair or the cremated ashes of your loved one as a memorial to their unique life.  A way to embrace your loved one’s memory day by day.The most beautiful and timeless memorial available for honoring their unique life. Comfort and support when and where you need it. Your LifeGem memorial will give a lasting memory that endures just as a diamond does. Forever.

You can’t go wrong with diamonds — unless those diamonds are a by-product of recently deceased Fluffy’s remains. Life Gem cremates departed pets, using the carbon to create a unique gem with a creepy back story.

The gift of Nothing

What better present for the person who has everything than a poignant reminder that they want for nothing? This lovingly crafted vial of emptiness is filled to the brim with unfettered nothingness. Free from the burden of possessions, the weight of responsibility, Nothing is as idiotic as it is brilliant. Indeed even old Macbeth, though mad as a kipper, realized that life, whilst full of sound and fury (and that was before iPods) is inherently daft and ultimately signifies Nothing. And let us not forget, that ‘Nothing’ is so important that most of our universe – and the contents of a lot of people’s heads – appears to be made up of it. It’s a statement, an empty gesture if you will, a nod at the futility of ownership, and yet despite ‘Nothing’ being nothing, it is of course packed with millions of protons, neutrons and what have you, which is pretty good for Nothing.

When your significant other insists they don’t want anything for the holidays, they probably don’t mean that they want you to get them Nothing. But this’ll teach them.

Peekaru-Baby Carrier Cover

The Peekaru Original™ is a fleece vest that zips over any soft baby carrier to keep you and your child warm when it’s cold out. It fits comfortably over all soft-structured carriers including Baby Bjorn and Ergo, as well as a variety of mei tais, ring slings, and wraps. From birth through toddlerhood, the Peekaru Original™ provides protection from the elements so there’s no need to worry about going out in the cold with your little one.

It’s like a Snuggie, for babies. And the new mom that you’ll horrify if you dare present her with this.

Fetus Cookie Cutter

At last, EVERYBODY can have “one in the oven” with the deliciously disturbing Fetus Cookie Cutter! That’s right — you can now bake cookies that look like little fetuses. According to our vast knowledge of the human reproductive process, the cookies are shaped like fetuses approximately 4 months along on their journey. Imagine the expression on the teacher’s face when your kid hands out oatmeal or chocolate chip fetuses to all the students. We can almost hear the Principal calling now. The Fetus Cookie Cutter comes in a clear plastic box with a photo of a fetus cookie behind the cutter. We THINK it is stainless steel, though it might be aluminum. Hey, anyone can bake cookies shaped like circles or trees or hearts — But it takes a special kind of person to make these babies. Just stamp your fetuses out of cookie dough, pop them in the oven, and then let them gestate for a few minutes. When they’re done, your kitchen will be filled with the enchanting aroma of fresh-baked fetuses. You’ll almost imagine them singing, “We’re your fetus! Get ready to eat us!”

These fetus cookie cutters are good for a laugh, but probably a bad gift idea for your mother-in-law. This isn’t what she meant when she said she wanted grandchildren.

And of course the best one for last…

Razor Blade Soap

This clear glycerin soap contains a razor blade made of steel. Yes, the razor blade is real and the edge has not been dulled. Over time, the razor blade may rust inside the soap, as glycerin soap has hydrophilic (water-loving) properties. Soap may arrive with a rusty razor blade as oxidation occurs at different rates. Each bar is rectangle-shaped and weighs 2.7 ounces.  Measurements of the finished soap are approximately: 2.25 inches wide, 3 inches tall, .75 inches deep.

FOR DECORATIVE PURPOSES ONLY! <<—-Why would I want to decorate with this, so a crazy person can attach me with my own soap???

That is all folks! Have a “It’s almost Friday, thank goddess, Christmas will be here in T-minus 11 days” Wednesday! 😉